Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.

Dump her and find one with some money

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.