Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

ㅤ

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

A farmer asked his neighbor

“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”

“Castor oil”

The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”

“Killed mine too”

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

🤷‍♀️

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.