YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Well, this is awkward
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Received some very disappointing news today
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
