YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.![]()
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I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
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“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure