youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
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My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Your secret is safeish with me
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
It do be feeling this way.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
