youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
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“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK