YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
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I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes