YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
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[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad