YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

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[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage


Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:


If someone says “I’m a people person” are they a schizophrenic or a cannibal?


My therapist said I have acute personality disorder. I was like I know, right?


If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks


[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not


I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials


I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.


[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche