YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
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What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.