[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Me: release half of one hostage
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
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Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
If someone says “I’m a people person” are they a schizophrenic or a cannibal?
My therapist said I have acute personality disorder. I was like I know, right?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?
ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche