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*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Kids: Stay in school.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.