Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
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Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Ape together strong
There are spies in chicken coups now. They’re egg plants.