Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.