*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
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Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit
I’m not saying I’m antisocial, but even when someone asks me how I’m doing I just tell them to Google it.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
ME: ill have the fish & chips
MERMAID: are u serious?
MERMAID: *tries to storm off but ends up just flopping around a bit*
Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I’m googling how to get paid without leaving my house
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash