Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
You Might Also Like
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?