@JihadPizza

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

You Might Also Like

@iwearaonesie

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

@OneFunnyMummy

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

@svnsxtional

I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.

@darkpassenger74

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

@AnkCoupleTO

[police lineup]

Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Me: Nope
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit

@Sarcasticsapien

I’m not saying I’m antisocial, but even when someone asks me how I’m doing I just tell them to Google it.

@david8hughes

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

@Brampersandon_

[date]
ME: ill have the fish & chips
MERMAID: are u serious?
ME: what
MERMAID: *tries to storm off but ends up just flopping around a bit*

@Jacob_Swift16

Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I’m googling how to get paid without leaving my house

@STOTLE

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash