Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.