American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
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Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see