Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

Are you ok, human???

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher