Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

When he asks for feet pics

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

good work, detective

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.