Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.