Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
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People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores