Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

OH. COME. ON.

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

Am getting real tired of your crap…

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

🤣🤣🤣

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.