Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

Somebody’s lying.

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.