Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

☠️

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

My five year plan is a meteorite

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

🤣could you imagine

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!