Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it