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Hulk: way ahead of you bud
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Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
For anyone who needs this today
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
December birthdays be like…
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.