Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

Swedish for common sense.

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.