Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

i now pronounce you bounced.

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.