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why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.