Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.