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If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Ooops wrong house😂😜
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.