Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
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me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
This is no longer winter this is harassment
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I laughed at this way too hard.