Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

Doormats are a gateway rug.

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

ㅤ

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

ㅤ

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.