Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

what is cheese if not milk persevering

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

👻

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?

Me: No.

H: Who did then?

Me: Ninjas.

H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.

Me: They’re very good ninjas.

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.