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#FireSomeonePolitely
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Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
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I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Spring cleaning checklist…
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I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.