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#FireSomeonePolitely
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The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago