11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
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You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
sleeping beauty
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .