you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
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if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
twitter is a journey
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!