you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
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I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
phew
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine