you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
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it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”