Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.