Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”

and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.