Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

😭😭

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”