Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

dictator is short for richard potato

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

Ok who’s got my black socks?

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.