Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.