You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.