You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
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Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*