You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
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I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!