You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
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Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
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husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday