“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
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When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff