“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
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I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”