“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
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INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
it was a valiant fight
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.