Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”