You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
You Might Also Like
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I need this for my side hustle.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.