You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
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The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Basically.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?