You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
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I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Beware…..
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets