Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Meanwhile in Portland…

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

There is wisdom there.

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.