Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.