You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
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There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.