You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
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Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Breaking news:
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”