You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
You Might Also Like
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.