You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
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Corn Dogs: Uninserted
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Mission: Impossible
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
What number SPF blocks people?
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”