You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
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Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
he looks great for his age
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?