Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

😆this is so true

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

Optional boss fight.

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…