You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
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[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself