You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
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Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.