You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
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Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I need to update my racial profile.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it