you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
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I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.