you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
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The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Hitlers gonna hitl
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are