you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
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I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are