Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year