You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
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Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.