“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
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Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower