Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

the way this pissed me off… 😭