“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
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My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Anyone want a chair?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.