[Gets on one knee]
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
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Any time a child tries to guess my age.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
[talking to a girl at the gym]
me: [nervous] so do u work out
Saying “excape “makes me wanna stab you in the “exophagus”.