@2tickytacky: "You've lost some weight." sounds suspiciously like "You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.".
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@_Water_Baby: At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
@BoothysTweets: [in the park] Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too... Her: uh huh, I guess... Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
@: my coworker started crying bc her bf broke up w her thru text and my manger said “thats why we stay off our phones at work”