“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
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(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Name this drama.
