“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
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If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.