“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
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lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Just as the prophecy foretold
