“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
You Might Also Like
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.