“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
You Might Also Like
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
can’t catch a break
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.