“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
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Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
what’s really going on
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…